I went to a Shane and Shane concert today and after listening to one of my favorite songs...I decided that I wanted to put it up as a prayer for my life:

"Holy design,
This place in time.
That I might seek and find my God, my God.

Lord I want to yearn for You,
I want to burn with passion,
Over You and only You.
Lord I want to Yearn.

Your joy is mine,
Yet why am I fine?
With all my singing and bringing you grain,
In light of Him.

Lord I want to yearn for You,
I want to burn with passion,
Over You and only You.
Lord I want to yearn.

Oh You give life and breath,
Through Him You give all things.
In Him we live and move,
That's why I sing"

I love these lyrics because they aren't implying that I've "gotten it." They aren't implying that I go throughout my day completely innocent of straying away from my God. What they do imply is that my heart wants to learn how to yearn for Christ and that I do have a desire to be consumed with a burning passion for Him. That's why this is my prayer for now and forever. I never want to stop desiring a passionate relationship with Him.

summer oh eight

i've been sitting here typing and retyping what i want to say...explaining where i'm at.

honestly, i can't figure it out...

hoping for this summer to bring a lot..
growth.
learning.
pain.
perseverance.
movement.
consistency.
relationships.
understanding

If I had to try and describe where I want to be at the end of the summer..it's here:
I want my perspective and my mindset to be completely shifted from thinking about myself to thinking about others. I want to have a better picture on how the Lord plans to use me to love the world to Heaven. I want to be reminded that a lot of things I worry about..aren't eternal and that the things I often don't remember..are. If I were to put this simply, I want to be a better person; I want to be more like Christ.


My hands hold safely to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me.

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?
-barlow girl

Inconsistent.

I am the most inconsistent person that I know...

One week I am doing great, loving the Lord and showing Him the same. Then the next week comes and I decide that I am too busy or too tired to open my Bible. Why do I do this to myself? I see what I need to do and then don't do it...sounds familiar.

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

This verse from Romans 7 is exactly how I feel right now. In my head, I know that I want to be with the Lord and follow His path every single day but...why do I struggle every day with simple things like reading His Word and talking to Him? That has to be the other law at work within.

I hope to start recognizing the evil within me and ridding myself of it. I know it is going to take a lot of effort and probably even some uncomfortable moments but I hate being so inconsistent. The Lord waits on me every day for me to show up and I continue to let Him down...even though I KNOW what I'm doing; I sit and actually know that I am choosing to give that part of my day up..the part that includes my Maker. I absolutely hate the human part of me and know that my next step in my journey is figuring out how to tighten my slave chains that are connected with Christ while trying to rid myself of the other chains that have been holding me back for too long.

Well...this is where I'm at.
Frustrated but eager to succeed...ready to step it up and show up every day.

Surrender.

And I surrender, all to You.
All to You.

I've realized some things about my relationship with Christ..and one of those things is that I am so much more of a purpose-filled human being when I take time and recognize my future in Him.
I know, I know..completely revolutionary :)
But really think about this with me.
I have sat around for the past couple of weeks wishing for things that have been and desiring that my future end up the way I want it to...but I've realized that all that gets me is bag full of broken memories and a bad habit of selfish hope.

I have begun to see that each day is brand new...it is completely innocent of yesterday's hurt, tears, and wishes. I wish that I could really begin to understand fully that my future rests in His hands alone. I wish that I could really begin to grapple with the fact that no matter what has happened...my future will be nothing short of supernatural! You see, the part where my lesson comes in is that when I walk around thinking about that...thinking about how my future is in Him and not in my sadness and that things WILL improve...I am obviously a happier and more joyful person.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized that how my days go depend a lot upon what I decide to put my focus on. As of lately, you see, I have been putting my focus on what I don't have and what I don't understand....but no more. I am deciding from this point onward to look forward at what I do have. My life isn't going like I thought it would...and as of today, I am going to start saying: Praise the Lord!

Giving up is hard to do...but it's sometimes necessary in order to gain the full blessing that the Lord has. So, as hard as it is to give up..I'm finally going to allow Christ to take my burdens and transform me into a woman of God and to take me wherever He chooses. I'm done focusing on my sadness and starting to focus on His purpose in my life.
Sure, life will still make me sad sometimes and I will continue to desire different things...but that doesn't mean that I have to focus on them. Nope, He can handle those now.

So...in the words of Mr. Buble:

"It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
and I'm feelin' good."

:)

:)

I'm home for Spring Break...and I love it.

The Lord has been working in me and stretching me this week in ways that I never thought were possible. Even though life has been hard, it is such a good feeling knowing that the Lord has my back. I've been working through some reconciliation issues...and it's amazing at how much cleaner your heart can feel when you start to take out the junk that has been hidden there for so long. I feel like the Lord is finally getting some breathing room in my heart for the first time in a very, very long time.

Overall this week has been great! I went to Nashville last weekend with some friends from school...learned to swing dance..and ate at my favorite restaurant downtown :) Great times. Then I stayed with Abby for a few nights, fun as always! Now, I'm home. Catching up on sleep and much needed family time.

After avoiding home for two months, and even though there have been rough moments...the feeling of being here couldn't be more right.

Goodnight :)

A New Me.

So...I think the beginning of a revival brewing in my heart right now. It's pretty exciting and a little nerve racking but I am so ready for it...

The past several weeks have been the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I am as broken as I've ever been. Satan has thrown everything he can at me to knock me down..and for the first time I'm beginning to see the rush you can have out of refusing to let him win. So, my boyfriend broke up with me...I'm not dependant on anyone but Christ. So, my computer crashed...it can be fixed. So, I'm not doing so hot in some of my classes...I can study harder. I can learn to be content in any and every circumstance. I've taken blow after blow these past few weeks and for the first time in my entire life, I don't feel like everything is falling apart. It's an amazing feeling...it's the beginning of a revival that has been needing to take place for too long.

Do I have bad days? Yep. Do I want to throw in the towel and crawl into bed and sleep until it all goes away? Sometimes. Do I still get up every morning? Heck yeah.

I've begun to realize that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God. If God is having me do that through pain, bring it on. I will still do my best to glorify Him in whatever circumstances He desires for me. I want to be molded and stretched for Him. So..can I complain about the past few weeks? I could if I really wanted to, my roommates would understand. Will I? Nope. I want to start yearning for times like this because it means I am being changed. I think the Devil sees a threat in me that has been non-existant until now...a threat that has the potential to be the set-apart woman that Christ desires...a threat to expand the kingdom. This excites me. I want to prevail this time. No more saying I'll get around to becoming the woman I am supposed to be; it's time to fall in love with Christ. The kind of love that is completely head-over-heels, "I'd do anything for you" kind of love.

Are there more blows heading my way? Probably.
Bring it on.

frustration.

Well, it's been awhile.

I'd like to say that I've been having the best devotional times since I last posted but I'd be lying. I'd love to tell you that I have been going deeper and asking the hard questions..but I haven't. My heart has grown resentful. I'm resenting people that hurt me and even people that are just trying to help. The past few weeks have been so hard on my heart that I think my coping mechanism has been anger and resentment to cover up my hurting and vulnerable heart.

I'm the strong one. I'm not supposed to hurt and cry. And since I haven't been able to stop the pain, I hide it. I hide the fact that I'm hurting and pretend like everything is okay. To be honest, to an extent...it works. I have been having fun, making new friends and growing deeper with old friends...but at the same time, part of my heart is still pretending. I have become very good at not thinking about things. I am now an expert at distracting my mind from wandering to painful places and can say that some days the only time I let myself hurt is if I dream about it.

Here's the problem:
Through all of these mechanisms and all of this pretending, my heart grew resentful to God for not fixing things. I want to be okay. I want to be able to look at someone and truthfully tell them that I am great! I want so badly to be okay..and while I think I am on the way, I'm not there yet. And since I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers, I've even grown to resent Him to a certain extent. My devotional life has not been great and I haven't been in constant prayer and submission. I'm frustrated with how He's handled things and am trying desperatley to take control back. The most frustrating part is that I hate the kind of Christian I am being right now. I was fine for two weeks, loving the Lord and telling him to bring on the suffering if it was helping me grow...and then all of a sudden, the suffering continues and I realize how shallow I am.

Why do I do this? I want to be consistant. I want to believe ALL of the time that this is for the best and that God IS in control.

Anyways, this is where I'm at...and I hope and pray that this week is different. This is my goal...and I plan to meet it.