who am i?

I'm not sure how to say what I've been feeling but I'm going to just ramble and hope it makes some sense. If not, oh well.

I want to be extraordinary. I want to be so in love with my Creator that the things of the world don't matter. I want to be so in love with Him that contentment becomes a way of life. I want to be identified by the counter-cultural way I live my life. I want more of Him. I want to live out the books I read, I want to live in such a way that if Jesus came to visit..He could live where I am living and do what I am doing and know He is fulfilling a divine purpose. I want to be in the will of God. I want my life to not make any sense to unbelievers but be attractive at the same time. I want to be a surge of hope in the struggling church. I want to fall madly in love with His living Word. I want God to be number one; no matter what.

Here's where I'm struggling. I want all of these things but I become SO frustrated when I ignore my devotions or struggle to pay attention to a sermon or lecture. Why do I keep saying I want all of these things when my life rarely points towards the fulfilment of any of them? Why do I keep failing? Why is it so hard to stick to a commitment I've made in my spiritual life but not so hard in other areas? Why do I let the devil win?

Obviously, something has to change.

While I continue to fight and figure this out, it's when the devil has me in this state of mind, the state that says, "I suck at this. I'm a terrible follower of Jesus and witness for Him," that I have to cling to the truth that has been spoken to me in the past by my youth pastor. He always looks at me and says, "I hope you never feel like you have it all figured out. I hope you always feel like there's more because that's what it is: a journey."

The other encouragement I find is in the 7th chapter of Romans. I love Paul. I love his honesty. Here are the verses that I cling to:

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So, while I know that there are a lot of things I want to be and do; I also have to remember that it is only God who can get me there. I have to stop and remember that Rick wasn't lying; He really isn't up there checking off a list shaking His head when I miss devotions.

But I also HAVE to realize and come to the reality that I am missing time with the only one who can make me love like Himself. I am giving up time with the guy I want to imitate. This is the part of my heart I can feel the Holy Spirit tugging on. So yeah, obviously, something has to change.

Thankfully, I can truthfully say that I'm working on it. I'm working on falling more in love with Him and figuring out how I can live this life in a way that reflects His love and draws people to His saving grace.

I am who I am but not who I want to become.

In the words of Paul, "Thanks be to God" that the journey continues.

all grown up

Well...it's true. Graduation came and went and I got my diploma in the mail yesterday. I kind of feel like Vitamin C's graduation song is the story of life right now.

Overall this week has been pretty relaxing. I stayed at school until Sunday night and hung out with a good friend of mine which was a great way to leave campus..and then got home Monday morning after staying the night on my sister's couch. The weekend was incredible..family there to watch me and my brother drove 8 hours to watch me walk across the platform. I put on my gown the morning of and felt like I was playing dress up. Did I really just finish one of the most memorable chapters of my life?

Anyways, I have a few pictures from the weekend so I'd thought I'd share a few.

It really is amazing how time flies. Thankfully, the past four years only started our friendships. God has been so good.

life as a song

I feel like my life is a song right now. You know how there are times when it feels like everything is in slow motion and there is a song playing in the background as you watch life pass by? That's what I feel like.

There are SO many things happening right now...and I'm loving it and hating it too.

This weekend I flew out to camp to meet the leadership team and work on things for the summer and then I flew back to life as I know it. Life is changing. In 23 days, I'll be driving away from home unsure for the first time about when I will be back. I can't even describe the feeling inside when I think about that.


I am about to walk around campus and tell people goodbye - for the LAST time. This is hard; I don't care how much you may hate school or your place in life right now. Saying goodbye without the comfort of preseason or next semester is HARD. There are people that I have invested in, that have invested in me, people that hold such special places in my heart, and people that I am genuinely going to grieve losing. This campus, these past four years of IWU, changed my life. I am such a different woman today then I was when I walked on to campus four years ago...I am better now then I was; my time spent here changed who I am.



Nevertheless, the past four years and the growing up that has taken place makes the thought of "what's next" nothing short of exciting. I CAN NOT wait for the next step. Sure, I'll be in Colorado for awhile but the door is still wide open for the Lord to take me anywhere. The preparation from the past four years was not in vain...I do feel ready; just sad. I feel 100% sure that the Lord has prepared my heart for graduation but has given me so much in between that I will miss.

I know it sounds like I am contradicting myself and that's because I am. I'm sad and don't want to leave but I'm also excited and ready to pack up and head out. Is there really a better place to be? Am I jealous of people who can't wait for Saturday and won't look back? Heck no. I pity them. God knows I am going to look back and continue to be thankful for His faithfulness, blessings and love that empowered me to move on in strength and trust.

He has been SO good to me and that's why I will be crying Saturday; the bittersweet tears of four great years full of memories.

red and brown

Well, it's happening..

Just picked up my cap and gown and I was a little disappointed.

My tassels are red and brown.

Some people's tassels are peach, others are coral blue, and then there's mine, throw up on my head.

Anyways, this all to say that it is really happening. Graduation really is "right around the corner." The cliche fits.

I finished my last homework assignment ever and have one more day of classes. I have one final next week and then it's time to walk across the stage and become an IWU alumni.


so weird.

bittersweet.

So many memories..

Leaving friends for the last time..some I may not see again.
Reminiscing on the past four years.
Coming in as a freshman and putting on the #11 for the first time. Putting on #11 for the last time.
Walking around campus feeling cool because you are on the soccer team. Walking around campus while your teammates practice and you've turned in your 4 year old jersey.
Hearing the National Anthem while the nerves are racing inside.
Scoring the game winner.
Random trips to Indy with pictures to prove our good time.
New friends and oldies but goodies.
Realizing that life is so much bigger than soccer...or school.
Learning to love the random movie nights and polar pops just because you're in the mood.
Walmart runs.
Intramurals with a big brother who realizes you are kind of cool.
Three different roommates in the first three semesters.
Trips home to visit high school friends.
Weekends in Nashville.
True brokenness and redemption for the first time.
Watching the Lord's plan unfold.
Learning to love bittersweet.


This won't be the last blog like this...yeah, I'm becoming a little sentimental. Not really sure that I care. It's a good thing. It's true, I've really grown to love bittersweet.

a God who wrestles.

Jacob wrestled with God.

A friend of mine tonight told me that it's okay that I'm a fighter. She said, "Even Jacob wrestled with God." And yet, he was still blessed.

I needed to hear that.
I feel like there are certain times in my life where I fight. I wrestle with God. That is such a weird thought to me. My personality is one that has a hard time giving up...while this can definitely be a negative thing, it's who I am. I am a fighter at heart.

Something else this friend and I talked about was when Abraham negotiated. Have you ever wanted to do that? Negotiate with God? "What if You did this instead of that?" "What if You blessed me here instead of there?" Whether or not we want to admit it, we all have a little bit of Abraham in us. However, the difference between us and Abraham is that most of the time we do it for selfish reasons, we want our lives to be better...Abraham's reason was selfless. Even after the Lord saved him, he risked negotiating with GOD. He had the guts to ask the Lord to change His mind. This is mind-blowing to me. This passage, almost more than any other, reminds me that talking to God works.

I don't now about you but I see similarities between Jacob and Abraham...both didn't like what the Lord was doing and so in their own way, they fought.

What would my life look like if when I wrestled with God, I did it the same way that Abraham did? What if, instead of wrestling and negotiating about things that didn't matter, I negotiated with God for the lives of lost people and for issues that would directly affect eternity?

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. All I know is that the reminder tonight about Jacob and Abraham was just what I needed. Sometimes I completely dislike what the Lord is doing. Thank goodness He is a God that will "wrestle" back.

God forbid.

The other day while I was running, I was listening to a sermon that Francis Chan gave awhile ago to some university at chapel. It was all about the reality of Christ and remembering who we are praying to.

A couple of summers ago, I gave a sermon to the youth group I was working at that talked about the tabernacle and the Holy of Holies and how meeting with the Lord actually went back then. I was re-reading it and was remembering some of the research that I had done. I still can't even grasp the fact that only one man, one time of year, could go into the Lord's presence. ONE TIME a year. It blows my mind that the curtain separating the Holy Place and the Most Holy Place was too thick to cut...which means it really blows my mind when it was torn in two by no one. It was the truth that the Lord's holiness was too much for humans...He was too worthy and perfect to be beheld.

The thing is that the magnificence of the Lord hasn't changed. The only difference is that the curtain was torn.


Christ died to allow us to have a relationship. BUT that relationship does not make us any more worthy to enter into His presence that those people had. The relationship is not something we have earned. The relationship does not lessen Christ’s Holiness nor does it mean that the God that resided behind that curtain has changed. The relationship is a gift. Prayer is a gift.
The only thing that has changed is how we pray; not Who we pray to.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I have just seen a few different connections throughout the past few months that are all leading me to the same conclusion: I've lost reverence towards the God that I pray to. It's become casual. God forbid.


"The more I know Your power Lord,
The more I'm mindful
of how casually we sing and speak Your name.
How often we have come to you
with no fear or wonder
and called upon you only for what we stand to gain.

God forbid, that I find You so familiar
that I think of You as less than who You are.
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all,
Without a humble reverence in my heart.
God forbid.

Lord, I often talk about Your love and mercy
how it seems to me Your goodness has no end.
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted,
though You're closer than a brother,
You are more than just my friend.

God forbid, that I find You so familiar
that I think of You as less than who You are.
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all,
Without a humble reverence in my heart.
God forbid.

You are father, God almighty
Lord of lords, Kind of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything."

_Point of Grace