Surrender.

And I surrender, all to You.
All to You.

I've realized some things about my relationship with Christ..and one of those things is that I am so much more of a purpose-filled human being when I take time and recognize my future in Him.
I know, I know..completely revolutionary :)
But really think about this with me.
I have sat around for the past couple of weeks wishing for things that have been and desiring that my future end up the way I want it to...but I've realized that all that gets me is bag full of broken memories and a bad habit of selfish hope.

I have begun to see that each day is brand new...it is completely innocent of yesterday's hurt, tears, and wishes. I wish that I could really begin to understand fully that my future rests in His hands alone. I wish that I could really begin to grapple with the fact that no matter what has happened...my future will be nothing short of supernatural! You see, the part where my lesson comes in is that when I walk around thinking about that...thinking about how my future is in Him and not in my sadness and that things WILL improve...I am obviously a happier and more joyful person.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized that how my days go depend a lot upon what I decide to put my focus on. As of lately, you see, I have been putting my focus on what I don't have and what I don't understand....but no more. I am deciding from this point onward to look forward at what I do have. My life isn't going like I thought it would...and as of today, I am going to start saying: Praise the Lord!

Giving up is hard to do...but it's sometimes necessary in order to gain the full blessing that the Lord has. So, as hard as it is to give up..I'm finally going to allow Christ to take my burdens and transform me into a woman of God and to take me wherever He chooses. I'm done focusing on my sadness and starting to focus on His purpose in my life.
Sure, life will still make me sad sometimes and I will continue to desire different things...but that doesn't mean that I have to focus on them. Nope, He can handle those now.

So...in the words of Mr. Buble:

"It's a new dawn,
It's a new day,
It's a new life,
and I'm feelin' good."

:)

:)

I'm home for Spring Break...and I love it.

The Lord has been working in me and stretching me this week in ways that I never thought were possible. Even though life has been hard, it is such a good feeling knowing that the Lord has my back. I've been working through some reconciliation issues...and it's amazing at how much cleaner your heart can feel when you start to take out the junk that has been hidden there for so long. I feel like the Lord is finally getting some breathing room in my heart for the first time in a very, very long time.

Overall this week has been great! I went to Nashville last weekend with some friends from school...learned to swing dance..and ate at my favorite restaurant downtown :) Great times. Then I stayed with Abby for a few nights, fun as always! Now, I'm home. Catching up on sleep and much needed family time.

After avoiding home for two months, and even though there have been rough moments...the feeling of being here couldn't be more right.

Goodnight :)

A New Me.

So...I think the beginning of a revival brewing in my heart right now. It's pretty exciting and a little nerve racking but I am so ready for it...

The past several weeks have been the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I am as broken as I've ever been. Satan has thrown everything he can at me to knock me down..and for the first time I'm beginning to see the rush you can have out of refusing to let him win. So, my boyfriend broke up with me...I'm not dependant on anyone but Christ. So, my computer crashed...it can be fixed. So, I'm not doing so hot in some of my classes...I can study harder. I can learn to be content in any and every circumstance. I've taken blow after blow these past few weeks and for the first time in my entire life, I don't feel like everything is falling apart. It's an amazing feeling...it's the beginning of a revival that has been needing to take place for too long.

Do I have bad days? Yep. Do I want to throw in the towel and crawl into bed and sleep until it all goes away? Sometimes. Do I still get up every morning? Heck yeah.

I've begun to realize that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God. If God is having me do that through pain, bring it on. I will still do my best to glorify Him in whatever circumstances He desires for me. I want to be molded and stretched for Him. So..can I complain about the past few weeks? I could if I really wanted to, my roommates would understand. Will I? Nope. I want to start yearning for times like this because it means I am being changed. I think the Devil sees a threat in me that has been non-existant until now...a threat that has the potential to be the set-apart woman that Christ desires...a threat to expand the kingdom. This excites me. I want to prevail this time. No more saying I'll get around to becoming the woman I am supposed to be; it's time to fall in love with Christ. The kind of love that is completely head-over-heels, "I'd do anything for you" kind of love.

Are there more blows heading my way? Probably.
Bring it on.

frustration.

Well, it's been awhile.

I'd like to say that I've been having the best devotional times since I last posted but I'd be lying. I'd love to tell you that I have been going deeper and asking the hard questions..but I haven't. My heart has grown resentful. I'm resenting people that hurt me and even people that are just trying to help. The past few weeks have been so hard on my heart that I think my coping mechanism has been anger and resentment to cover up my hurting and vulnerable heart.

I'm the strong one. I'm not supposed to hurt and cry. And since I haven't been able to stop the pain, I hide it. I hide the fact that I'm hurting and pretend like everything is okay. To be honest, to an extent...it works. I have been having fun, making new friends and growing deeper with old friends...but at the same time, part of my heart is still pretending. I have become very good at not thinking about things. I am now an expert at distracting my mind from wandering to painful places and can say that some days the only time I let myself hurt is if I dream about it.

Here's the problem:
Through all of these mechanisms and all of this pretending, my heart grew resentful to God for not fixing things. I want to be okay. I want to be able to look at someone and truthfully tell them that I am great! I want so badly to be okay..and while I think I am on the way, I'm not there yet. And since I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers, I've even grown to resent Him to a certain extent. My devotional life has not been great and I haven't been in constant prayer and submission. I'm frustrated with how He's handled things and am trying desperatley to take control back. The most frustrating part is that I hate the kind of Christian I am being right now. I was fine for two weeks, loving the Lord and telling him to bring on the suffering if it was helping me grow...and then all of a sudden, the suffering continues and I realize how shallow I am.

Why do I do this? I want to be consistant. I want to believe ALL of the time that this is for the best and that God IS in control.

Anyways, this is where I'm at...and I hope and pray that this week is different. This is my goal...and I plan to meet it.

more on my man Job..

As I continue reading Job, there seem to be just short verses that catch my eye. This time it was in the second chapter, the 9th and 10th verses.

"His wife said to him, 'Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!' He replied, 'You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?'"

These two verses are incredible. Not only am I amazed at Job's response, but I have to admit that I feel for this woman as well. I can't imagine being the mom of a household that has been blessed and within what seemed like a split second it was entirely gone. I have to believe that most of our reactions would be in line with hers. "Are you serious? Are you really trying to stay faithful when the Lord just allowed the most intense and inconsolable pain to enter into the depths of your life and soul?" I have to admit that even though I look down on this woman as I first study the book of Job, that she is a lot more like the common Joe of our day. Giving up on God the minute he takes away the smooth sailing of life. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if churches today would start preaching the Truth. If churches today would start letting people know that life is NOT going to be a breeze and that we are supposed to REJOICE in our sufferings. I wonder..

Looking past Job's wife, his response might be one of the most wise and profound verses in the Bible. (In my opinion.) In fact, this verse is what I have been struggling with for the past week. I have been trying to learn that this heart break is something that I need to accept because I want to be the kind of Christian that loves the Lord on good and bad days. I want to be a woman that understands that there is more to life than what I can see and feel...that there really is a greater work going on and I should be rejoicing in the fact that I get to be a part of it.
I also love the way that Job phrases his response to his wife. He makes it sound so logical; so basic. He makes it seem like it is a part of our Christian faith that should come naturally to each and every one of us. Where in the Bible does God promise us an EASY life? Where in the Bible does God promise us NO PAIN? I don't think so! Paul says that to live is Christ and to DIE is gain. The Bible says that we should rejoice in our sufferings because they produce perseverance, character, and hope.

I love Job. I love that he went through a time in his life that could not have gotten much worse and never sinned against God. Job proves that it can be done. Job proves that this kind of life can exist. This is why I keep hoping that I will become a little more like Job every day. I want to get to the point where my soul is thankful for trials because it means that the Devil knows I'm a threat. I want to get to the point where I can live my life in a way that understands that it is my duty to not just accept good from the Lord but also trouble.

A New Kind of Worship

The other night, my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me. It rocked my world. I saw it coming...but still couldn't prepare my heart. Anyways...this is just the foundation for where this blog is coming from: the deepest pain I've ever felt.

Last night I was sitting on my bathroom floor due to the fact that my roommate was sleeping...and I was writing in my journal, crying, praying, and reading from the book of Job. I decided that I wanted to read something that felt applicable and figured that reading about the life of a man that lost way more than me was the best bet.

So I read through the first chapter and was totally taken by surprise. I mean, just in the first test by Satan..Job lost all of his donkey's, sheep, camels, and to add to the loss of his entire income security...he lost all of his sons and daughters. THEY DIED. I mean, how could Job not be out of control angry? How could Job not stare up at the sky and be so mad at God that he questions everything? But get this..not only at the end of the chapter does it say "In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing." As if this weren't enough...my eyes were drawn to a few verses above this, verse 20 where it states, "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship..."

HE FELL TO THE GROUND IN WORSHIP.

This is so unreal to me. The first thing that Job did was worship. He worshipped through his pain. He worshipped because of his pain. His first reaction to this pain was to worship. I can't help but think that there is a very real lesson to learn from Job here. I'm suffering right now...I am in pain. But I can tell you that my first reaction was definitely not to worship. However, after reading this and attending the first night of our spiritual emphasis week...I am beginning to understand this whole concept. For one of the first times in my life I am beginning to see how worship is more than just music...that it really is all of life. I want to learn what came so naturally to Job. I want to worship through my pain.

I want to painfully figure out what it really means to worship...and I am beginning to mean it when I pray that I will not be relieved from this pain until I figure some of these lessons out. It's time for me to wake up and grow up..and I want to take every second of this hardship in doing just that: really becoming the woman that the Lord wants me to be.

Colossians 1:18

As I was reading tonight, I continued on in my trek through Colossians. However, I had to stop after verse 18. I have never realized this...well, I underlined it once before but do not remember learning it.

"And He is the head of the body, the church;..."

I remember growing up and hearing all of those stories about the body of Christ and how without a foot we couldn't walk or without an ear we could not hear. However, I never remember hearing this kind of lesson in my younger years. The Lord is the head of the body of Christ. We can not be an eye because He is the omnipotent God. We can not be the mouth because it is His message that we are giving...not anyone else's. He is the head. He is the "brains" behind the rest of the body.

Another way that I saw this tonight for the first time is that whatever part of the body that I am, is not in charge of another. It is the brain (God) that is behind why the body does what it does...but I am a part of the body that does what I am told. I am part of the active body of Christ because God is telling me to take a step or to hold a child's hand. Whatever I do, I have to start looking at my life this way. I have to start realizing that God is the brains and I am nothing more than an obedient foot or hand.

I wonder what would happen if every follower of Christ would admit this; if every Christ follower would admit the fact that Christ is the one in charge and we are the parts of the body under submission to His power.