"'cause I was already gone.."

I leave tomorrow! Colorado, here I come :)

Abby and I are heading out for a fun road trip and report to camp on Monday..can't wait.

There is potential for another blog that Abby and I will be sharing throughout camp but if that happens there will be another update! If not, I'll be periodically blogging here.

No cell phone service and emailing is limited which is probably one of my favorite things about camp...So, still feel free to call or email but know that a response might be a few days!

I'll keep you updated on what the Lord is up to :)

So as my parents and I were driving home tonight from a birthday night for my sister and dad...Flat Top Grill and Coldstone, I heard this song on the radio:

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way

_Matthew West

This song describes where I'm at..
Just wanted to make better sense of my previous blog..this is my heart and my prayer.

who am i?

I'm not sure how to say what I've been feeling but I'm going to just ramble and hope it makes some sense. If not, oh well.

I want to be extraordinary. I want to be so in love with my Creator that the things of the world don't matter. I want to be so in love with Him that contentment becomes a way of life. I want to be identified by the counter-cultural way I live my life. I want more of Him. I want to live out the books I read, I want to live in such a way that if Jesus came to visit..He could live where I am living and do what I am doing and know He is fulfilling a divine purpose. I want to be in the will of God. I want my life to not make any sense to unbelievers but be attractive at the same time. I want to be a surge of hope in the struggling church. I want to fall madly in love with His living Word. I want God to be number one; no matter what.

Here's where I'm struggling. I want all of these things but I become SO frustrated when I ignore my devotions or struggle to pay attention to a sermon or lecture. Why do I keep saying I want all of these things when my life rarely points towards the fulfilment of any of them? Why do I keep failing? Why is it so hard to stick to a commitment I've made in my spiritual life but not so hard in other areas? Why do I let the devil win?

Obviously, something has to change.

While I continue to fight and figure this out, it's when the devil has me in this state of mind, the state that says, "I suck at this. I'm a terrible follower of Jesus and witness for Him," that I have to cling to the truth that has been spoken to me in the past by my youth pastor. He always looks at me and says, "I hope you never feel like you have it all figured out. I hope you always feel like there's more because that's what it is: a journey."

The other encouragement I find is in the 7th chapter of Romans. I love Paul. I love his honesty. Here are the verses that I cling to:

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So, while I know that there are a lot of things I want to be and do; I also have to remember that it is only God who can get me there. I have to stop and remember that Rick wasn't lying; He really isn't up there checking off a list shaking His head when I miss devotions.

But I also HAVE to realize and come to the reality that I am missing time with the only one who can make me love like Himself. I am giving up time with the guy I want to imitate. This is the part of my heart I can feel the Holy Spirit tugging on. So yeah, obviously, something has to change.

Thankfully, I can truthfully say that I'm working on it. I'm working on falling more in love with Him and figuring out how I can live this life in a way that reflects His love and draws people to His saving grace.

I am who I am but not who I want to become.

In the words of Paul, "Thanks be to God" that the journey continues.