moving

offically moving sites: later blogspot.

i have never been this anxious in my entire life.

"home"

Isn't it funny how people always say time flies at the end of something? It's always at the end, when people reminisce, and realize how fast 24 hours actually goes.

Well, the past 6 months flew and almost forgot to wave on it's way by. It's really coming to and end - tonight is my last night in my room surrounded by the mountains that have become my second home.

My brain has been going in 100 different directions lately and I'm not even sure how to consolidate it into something that makes sense even to me. I've been thinking a lot about my future, a lot about what I want to do, and trying to discern the Lord's guidance. I think I am on the right track with what I have in mind..but that's for another blog. What's really on my heart today is the past 3 months. This fall season has been one where the Lord has grown me from a young girl with a free spirit heart to a young woman with a passion to follow His lead.

My time here has been more than an internship - it's been crucial to every area of my life. This fall, I have realized that my life is up to me. It's no longer up to my parents or this step by step life-plan that I've had up until this point. I have no idea what's next but these last few months have given me more hope in an unknown future then I've ever had in a known one.

I have found my direction here. I have found a direction that lights a fire in my heart when I think about it. I've found a direction that is exciting and purposeful.

I've found friends here that I want to be like. I have found a group of people that care about me and my passion for Him. I have found people that I unashamedly want in my life for the long-run; people whose love for the Lord that is contagious.

I have found the first place away from home, that feels like home. I have learned that home is more than a place; in fact, "home" is simply more than I ever thought.

Needless to say, I'm sad. I'm bummed to be leaving these people, this place, these mountains, this new life that is exciting and challenging.

That's where I'm at tonight. I'm excited to be with family and friends for the holidays but tonight, as I lay here for the last time, I can only hope that there is an open door waiting to allow me to come back. Soon.

almost over.

I can't believe that it's almost time to leave. I remember so vividly the sunny day of May 15th when Abby and I loaded my car up and headed west.

It has been a few of the best months I have ever experienced. I am walking away from the past 6 months a completely new person - in such a good way. I have been challenged and stretched in ways that I'm sure I'll keep learning as I head down the mountain.

I have no idea what is next for me...but I can say that I am working hard at trusting Him with that knowledge. My applications and resume's are flying around the state of Colorado hoping that I don't have to say goodbye forever - but I know that He has a plan that is way better than all the plans I have concocted in my head.

The thought of possibly moving out here at the new year is one that excites me beyond belief. I have an incredible friend group and can't let myself think about saying goodbye and camp family that would be located in every city I visit. I am waiting to hear from an at-risk home for girls...hoping that my desire for the job and a new life out here is lining up with His desire as well. We'll see.

I have begun to realize that this past summer and fall were a risk for me. I knew at the beginning that the reason I wanted to choose this path rather then a full-time job at school was because Jesus was going to have to come through. Well, here I am. I am at the end of the road and awaiting his faithfulness...but the best part is that He has never let me down.

So, all that to say, Colorado and I have two more weeks together with hopes of many more - but if not, it's been one heck of a ride.

Love People.

I just want to love people.

I continued reading Forgotten God today and was once again overwhelmed by new realizations of the Holy Spirit.

I realized that I'm not sure how to pray anymore.

I'm so used to praying for my future and figuring out the "next big step" in my life and I realized that I have never really asked to be led day by day...baby step by baby step.

I seriously feel a HUGE burden lifted off of my shoulders. I'm seeing how I for so long lived life and wanted the Holy Spirit to fit into it..instead of letting Him be the one in charge. Again, it all comes back to my lack of understanding the power of the One inside. Why did I EVER think it was a good idea to live my life and then fit Him in?

Therefore, today I prayed the most simple prayer I have ever prayed about my future. "Lord, I just want to love on people. I want to empower people with a hope in You." I'm not sure what that is going to look like, but I am more excited than words can express to follow the Holy Spirit there.

Anyways, I'm excited for tomorrow. I'm excited for a day to begin learning to sense the Spirit's leading.

Ok...that's it. Just a few more random thoughts.

Oh yeah...I made a list of things I want to do today. On that list were many things but some were:

Grow a garden

Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's

Learn to surf

Get my own puppy - named Indy

Make a music video

So much more depth than that..but that's just a taste.

mmmmmmmmmmmk. goodnight.

His will.

My world was rocked today.

"I think a lot of us need to forget about God's will for my life. God cares more about our response to His Spirit's leading today, in this moment, than about what we intend to do next year. In fact, the decisions we make next year will be profoundly affected by the degree to which we submit to the Spirit right now, in today's decisions." pg. 120

I'm reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan and this chapter that I started today seriously made me stop and realize what he has been trying to say throughout the whole book so far. The KING OF KINGS lives inside of me. This thought is too big to really comprehend but I feel like I'm starting to at least realize the magnitude of this truth.

I have been praying lately for the "big picture." I have been praying for God's will for my life and for more clarity on what I am supposed to do next and for other major decisions I am being faced with. "There are very few people in the Scriptures who received their life plan from God in advance..." This is another part of the chapter that knocked me into place. I think I have been neglecting the Spirit's leading in my life BECAUSE I have been waiting expectation for a picture of my future.

I think have been neglecting the Spirit's leading in my life BECAUSE I have been waiting in expectation for a picture of my future.

Today marked the day where I stopped praying for God's will to be revealed down the road and changed it to a prayer for leading in that day. I do

n't know if I'll have a tomorrow so why pray that way? I have been completely ignorant to the fact that I have missed tapping into the power that is within..

I can't even begin to explain the challenges that this book has been presenting me about my understanding of the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure if this rambling made any sense because I'm still trying to make sense of it in my own mind. Either way, I am excited about this new adventure in my faith that I'm on with and in the Spirit.

I think He's been waiting to take me on the journey I've been looking for.

Job Hunting

I hate it.

I have been searching and searching for jobs in the Denver area and the only ones I can find:

King Soopers - head cashier.

What the heck? I'd be the best freaking cashier they've ever had.

Okay - I might be being a little dramatic. I did find a couple interesting positions..we'll see though. I'm loving life as of lately and here's why:

1. I got to talk to Bethany yesterday on the internet.

2. I get to go to the midwest in 3 weeks for a visit and then fly back to Colorado.

3. I am going to South Dakota for Thanksgiving where I will then win a weight gaining contest with one of my best friends and her family.

4. It's fall.

5. My annual Pumpkin carving day is approaching fast...I'm thinking the classic jack-o-latern face is in store.

it's gotta be the little things.

later.

?

Lord, what's next?

I made it.

Well, it's true...I'm old. Today was the day I officially turned 23 - I'm not sure why I feel sentimental about my age all of a sudden but I do, 23 seems pretty old to me.

Moving on...my birthday today has been one of my favorites. My parents flew out to see me and we spent basically all day hiking in the national park :) After that we went into town and ate my birthday dinner....and just enjoyed being together. Gosh - what a great day.

Anyways, I was thinking about my past year and realized how blessed my 22nd year of life has been...in fact after journaling about it, I wanted to share a list of incredible things that the Lord did for me over the past 365 days:

1. I had an incredible senior soccer season. We made it all the way to NAIA nationals and had the best team chemistry I had experienced in years...we really did play for an audience of One.

2. I was able to live with 5 incredible women for my last stand at IWU...so many awesome memories.

3. I ran my 11th half marathon with my mom, dad, and big brother!

4. Had the chance to skip a class or two and make a solo road trip to Nashville to visit Abby...soooooo much fun.

5. Backpacked the Grand Canyon. Enough said.

6. Graduated college :) With two degrees mind you...neither of which I am using right now.

7. Got to spend the first few months of my summer with my best friend AFTER we road tripped to Colorado from Michigan and were able to see Ryan, Bethany and Mason on the way.

8. Got to serve the Lord at 9400 ft. on top of a mountain surrounded by the Rocky Mountain National park for the entire summer. Played sports and loved on kids all summer long.

9. Found my first job after college to be at the same camp...gotta love Camp T.

10. Fell more in love with my Savior...one more year closer to Him and one more year to continue help me realize that He's got my life under control.

Soooo...this is just a glimpse of what the past year has been for me..but needless to say, it has been unforgettable. I am in love with life and completely trust the Lord's hand on my future. Heck, if my 22nd year of life could get me here...I can't wait to see where the Lord takes me on my 23rd ride around the sun :)

Living a life that matters

I had a week off from camp and I flew home(ish) to Indiana and loved every minute. My roommate was incredible and I even got to go home and hang out with my parents. Anyways, while I was at her house I went for a much needed run..

This time my iPod was playing a sermon by Francis Chan and the sermon is titled Living a Life that Matters. I didn't finish the whole thing but the beginning was all I needed to hear that day. Francis was talking about what the title of his sermon meant and it blew me away.

He was talking about living like Christ and how He mattered wherever He went. Jesus mattered when He was flipping the temple tables just like He mattered when He was teaching His disciples. Jesus was noticed without trying...His relationship and love for His father caused other people to be affected by His presence or lack thereof.

I was thinking about this and it really paralleled with what the Lord has been teaching me lately. He has been showing me that I am at a point in my life where daily life is a choice that I get to make. I'm not in a place where life is kind of planned out for me...I can choose to stay at camp or go into town; I can choose to strike up a conversation with a cashier or I can walk by like the other hundreds of people that day. Life right now is pretty open ended and full of choices that will take me one way or another.

So, when I think about this sermon and my life...I realized that I want to matter. I know that sounds funny and kind of obvious but I have never really thought about all of the ways I can live out my faith that I have ignored so much in my life. I can matter to that cashier that hates her job. I can matter to that family that is walking around town wondering where a good restaurant is. I can approach every situation, regardless of how small, like Jesus would; in a way that matters and leaves a situation better then it was.

All that to say, I want to matter - I want to live my life in a way that it affects people simply because my relationship with my Savior is real.

I guess you could say that "what would Jesus do" came back into style for me.

Hurricane.

Well, I have been learning a ton lately. One of which is this: Life is obviously different when I haven't been intentional in my pursuit of Him. Obvious, right? I know.

I have been down the past few days and I'm not sure why it always seems to take me awhile to realize why. Anyways, this song by Jimmy Needham has been my saving prayer for my life..every word is exactly what I desire.

I have built a city here 

Half with pride and half with fear 

Just wanted a safer place to hide 

I don’t want to be safe tonight 

I need You like a hurricane 

Thunder crashing, wind and rain 

To tear my walls down 

I’m only Yours now 

I need you like a burning flame 

A wild fire untamed 

To burn these walls down 

I’m only Yours now 

I’m only Yours now 

I am Yours and You are mine 

You know far better than I 

And if destruction’s what I need 

Then I’ll receive it Lord from Thee 

Yes, I’ll receive it Lord from Thee 

And it’s Your eye in the storm 

Watching over me 

And it’s Your eye in the storm 

Wanting only good for me 

And if You are the war 

Let me be the casualty 

‘Til I’m Yours alone 

I am only Yours 

I am Yours alone, Lord 

I have an entire city inside that is built out of those two things: pride and fear. Every time I listen to this song I am convicted about how I still don't think I have let the Lord totally break through. I am terrified. 

The other line that screams at me every time is this: "And if destruction's what I need, then I'll receive it Lord from Thee." This prayer is something that is huge to me. If destruction is what I need - then okay, bring on the rain. 

Anyways, this song has been something that I have truly grown to love and pray and hope that the Lord will consume me like that; like a hurricane. As long as He is the eye in the storm, I'm ready for my walls to be torn down so that I can truly be built up in Him.

it's about time..

Well, it's been far too long since I've blogged about life.

I've been up here for over 3 weeks and it has been incredible. I absolutely love camp...there is just something special about this place. It isn't that life is easier or less stressful but it's like things just aren't as big of a deal here; life just moves and you just go with it.

The first week was herd week and it was a lot of planning and writing devotionals as a staff. It was so much fun that week to get to know our leadership staff and to start making relationships with these people who are part of the camp t family.

The second week was by far my favorite though...I got to finally meet all of the girls that are in my covenant group. We got to live together for 10 days and I honestly was blown away. I did not know it was possible to love that many people in that short amount of time as much as I do. Every girl in my group is uniquely different but they all get along so well. It's seriously amazing. We got the chance to go through all of our testimonies and it was so incredible to hear how the Lord worked in each of their lives. I have never felt more burdened in my life; I didn't know that it was possible to want to take away someone's pain and feelings of unworthiness as much as I wish I could.
I can honestly say that I am going to be lifelong friends with so many of them...and I can't wait.

Tonight is the last night of Week 1 (the most fun!) and it went pretty well for it being the first week. There are things we are learning as a staff and things that will have to be adjusted but overall it went great! I am loving the sports side of camp and love being active with the kids...they are seriously so much fun. I wish I could remember all of the hysterical quotes that have already been said.

Life on top of the mountain is just as sweet as I remember. I am in love with this place and can't believe I get to be here for an extra season; God is so good.

Other than that, I am learning a ton and love opening up my Bible and journal in the mornings with my cup of coffee in hand. I'm pumped for what the Lord has in store because I'm sure it's going to blow my mind.

"'cause I was already gone.."

I leave tomorrow! Colorado, here I come :)

Abby and I are heading out for a fun road trip and report to camp on Monday..can't wait.

There is potential for another blog that Abby and I will be sharing throughout camp but if that happens there will be another update! If not, I'll be periodically blogging here.

No cell phone service and emailing is limited which is probably one of my favorite things about camp...So, still feel free to call or email but know that a response might be a few days!

I'll keep you updated on what the Lord is up to :)

So as my parents and I were driving home tonight from a birthday night for my sister and dad...Flat Top Grill and Coldstone, I heard this song on the radio:

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way

_Matthew West

This song describes where I'm at..
Just wanted to make better sense of my previous blog..this is my heart and my prayer.

who am i?

I'm not sure how to say what I've been feeling but I'm going to just ramble and hope it makes some sense. If not, oh well.

I want to be extraordinary. I want to be so in love with my Creator that the things of the world don't matter. I want to be so in love with Him that contentment becomes a way of life. I want to be identified by the counter-cultural way I live my life. I want more of Him. I want to live out the books I read, I want to live in such a way that if Jesus came to visit..He could live where I am living and do what I am doing and know He is fulfilling a divine purpose. I want to be in the will of God. I want my life to not make any sense to unbelievers but be attractive at the same time. I want to be a surge of hope in the struggling church. I want to fall madly in love with His living Word. I want God to be number one; no matter what.

Here's where I'm struggling. I want all of these things but I become SO frustrated when I ignore my devotions or struggle to pay attention to a sermon or lecture. Why do I keep saying I want all of these things when my life rarely points towards the fulfilment of any of them? Why do I keep failing? Why is it so hard to stick to a commitment I've made in my spiritual life but not so hard in other areas? Why do I let the devil win?

Obviously, something has to change.

While I continue to fight and figure this out, it's when the devil has me in this state of mind, the state that says, "I suck at this. I'm a terrible follower of Jesus and witness for Him," that I have to cling to the truth that has been spoken to me in the past by my youth pastor. He always looks at me and says, "I hope you never feel like you have it all figured out. I hope you always feel like there's more because that's what it is: a journey."

The other encouragement I find is in the 7th chapter of Romans. I love Paul. I love his honesty. Here are the verses that I cling to:

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

So, while I know that there are a lot of things I want to be and do; I also have to remember that it is only God who can get me there. I have to stop and remember that Rick wasn't lying; He really isn't up there checking off a list shaking His head when I miss devotions.

But I also HAVE to realize and come to the reality that I am missing time with the only one who can make me love like Himself. I am giving up time with the guy I want to imitate. This is the part of my heart I can feel the Holy Spirit tugging on. So yeah, obviously, something has to change.

Thankfully, I can truthfully say that I'm working on it. I'm working on falling more in love with Him and figuring out how I can live this life in a way that reflects His love and draws people to His saving grace.

I am who I am but not who I want to become.

In the words of Paul, "Thanks be to God" that the journey continues.

all grown up

Well...it's true. Graduation came and went and I got my diploma in the mail yesterday. I kind of feel like Vitamin C's graduation song is the story of life right now.

Overall this week has been pretty relaxing. I stayed at school until Sunday night and hung out with a good friend of mine which was a great way to leave campus..and then got home Monday morning after staying the night on my sister's couch. The weekend was incredible..family there to watch me and my brother drove 8 hours to watch me walk across the platform. I put on my gown the morning of and felt like I was playing dress up. Did I really just finish one of the most memorable chapters of my life?

Anyways, I have a few pictures from the weekend so I'd thought I'd share a few.

It really is amazing how time flies. Thankfully, the past four years only started our friendships. God has been so good.

life as a song

I feel like my life is a song right now. You know how there are times when it feels like everything is in slow motion and there is a song playing in the background as you watch life pass by? That's what I feel like.

There are SO many things happening right now...and I'm loving it and hating it too.

This weekend I flew out to camp to meet the leadership team and work on things for the summer and then I flew back to life as I know it. Life is changing. In 23 days, I'll be driving away from home unsure for the first time about when I will be back. I can't even describe the feeling inside when I think about that.


I am about to walk around campus and tell people goodbye - for the LAST time. This is hard; I don't care how much you may hate school or your place in life right now. Saying goodbye without the comfort of preseason or next semester is HARD. There are people that I have invested in, that have invested in me, people that hold such special places in my heart, and people that I am genuinely going to grieve losing. This campus, these past four years of IWU, changed my life. I am such a different woman today then I was when I walked on to campus four years ago...I am better now then I was; my time spent here changed who I am.



Nevertheless, the past four years and the growing up that has taken place makes the thought of "what's next" nothing short of exciting. I CAN NOT wait for the next step. Sure, I'll be in Colorado for awhile but the door is still wide open for the Lord to take me anywhere. The preparation from the past four years was not in vain...I do feel ready; just sad. I feel 100% sure that the Lord has prepared my heart for graduation but has given me so much in between that I will miss.

I know it sounds like I am contradicting myself and that's because I am. I'm sad and don't want to leave but I'm also excited and ready to pack up and head out. Is there really a better place to be? Am I jealous of people who can't wait for Saturday and won't look back? Heck no. I pity them. God knows I am going to look back and continue to be thankful for His faithfulness, blessings and love that empowered me to move on in strength and trust.

He has been SO good to me and that's why I will be crying Saturday; the bittersweet tears of four great years full of memories.

red and brown

Well, it's happening..

Just picked up my cap and gown and I was a little disappointed.

My tassels are red and brown.

Some people's tassels are peach, others are coral blue, and then there's mine, throw up on my head.

Anyways, this all to say that it is really happening. Graduation really is "right around the corner." The cliche fits.

I finished my last homework assignment ever and have one more day of classes. I have one final next week and then it's time to walk across the stage and become an IWU alumni.


so weird.

bittersweet.

So many memories..

Leaving friends for the last time..some I may not see again.
Reminiscing on the past four years.
Coming in as a freshman and putting on the #11 for the first time. Putting on #11 for the last time.
Walking around campus feeling cool because you are on the soccer team. Walking around campus while your teammates practice and you've turned in your 4 year old jersey.
Hearing the National Anthem while the nerves are racing inside.
Scoring the game winner.
Random trips to Indy with pictures to prove our good time.
New friends and oldies but goodies.
Realizing that life is so much bigger than soccer...or school.
Learning to love the random movie nights and polar pops just because you're in the mood.
Walmart runs.
Intramurals with a big brother who realizes you are kind of cool.
Three different roommates in the first three semesters.
Trips home to visit high school friends.
Weekends in Nashville.
True brokenness and redemption for the first time.
Watching the Lord's plan unfold.
Learning to love bittersweet.


This won't be the last blog like this...yeah, I'm becoming a little sentimental. Not really sure that I care. It's a good thing. It's true, I've really grown to love bittersweet.

a God who wrestles.

Jacob wrestled with God.

A friend of mine tonight told me that it's okay that I'm a fighter. She said, "Even Jacob wrestled with God." And yet, he was still blessed.

I needed to hear that.
I feel like there are certain times in my life where I fight. I wrestle with God. That is such a weird thought to me. My personality is one that has a hard time giving up...while this can definitely be a negative thing, it's who I am. I am a fighter at heart.

Something else this friend and I talked about was when Abraham negotiated. Have you ever wanted to do that? Negotiate with God? "What if You did this instead of that?" "What if You blessed me here instead of there?" Whether or not we want to admit it, we all have a little bit of Abraham in us. However, the difference between us and Abraham is that most of the time we do it for selfish reasons, we want our lives to be better...Abraham's reason was selfless. Even after the Lord saved him, he risked negotiating with GOD. He had the guts to ask the Lord to change His mind. This is mind-blowing to me. This passage, almost more than any other, reminds me that talking to God works.

I don't now about you but I see similarities between Jacob and Abraham...both didn't like what the Lord was doing and so in their own way, they fought.

What would my life look like if when I wrestled with God, I did it the same way that Abraham did? What if, instead of wrestling and negotiating about things that didn't matter, I negotiated with God for the lives of lost people and for issues that would directly affect eternity?

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense. All I know is that the reminder tonight about Jacob and Abraham was just what I needed. Sometimes I completely dislike what the Lord is doing. Thank goodness He is a God that will "wrestle" back.

God forbid.

The other day while I was running, I was listening to a sermon that Francis Chan gave awhile ago to some university at chapel. It was all about the reality of Christ and remembering who we are praying to.

A couple of summers ago, I gave a sermon to the youth group I was working at that talked about the tabernacle and the Holy of Holies and how meeting with the Lord actually went back then. I was re-reading it and was remembering some of the research that I had done. I still can't even grasp the fact that only one man, one time of year, could go into the Lord's presence. ONE TIME a year. It blows my mind that the curtain separating the Holy Place and the Most Holy Place was too thick to cut...which means it really blows my mind when it was torn in two by no one. It was the truth that the Lord's holiness was too much for humans...He was too worthy and perfect to be beheld.

The thing is that the magnificence of the Lord hasn't changed. The only difference is that the curtain was torn.


Christ died to allow us to have a relationship. BUT that relationship does not make us any more worthy to enter into His presence that those people had. The relationship is not something we have earned. The relationship does not lessen Christ’s Holiness nor does it mean that the God that resided behind that curtain has changed. The relationship is a gift. Prayer is a gift.
The only thing that has changed is how we pray; not Who we pray to.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I have just seen a few different connections throughout the past few months that are all leading me to the same conclusion: I've lost reverence towards the God that I pray to. It's become casual. God forbid.


"The more I know Your power Lord,
The more I'm mindful
of how casually we sing and speak Your name.
How often we have come to you
with no fear or wonder
and called upon you only for what we stand to gain.

God forbid, that I find You so familiar
that I think of You as less than who You are.
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all,
Without a humble reverence in my heart.
God forbid.

Lord, I often talk about Your love and mercy
how it seems to me Your goodness has no end.
It frightens me to think that I could take You for granted,
though You're closer than a brother,
You are more than just my friend.

God forbid, that I find You so familiar
that I think of You as less than who You are.
God forbid, that I should speak of You at all,
Without a humble reverence in my heart.
God forbid.

You are father, God almighty
Lord of lords, Kind of kings
Beyond my understanding
No less than everything."

_Point of Grace

canyons and mountains

This is where I am going in 6 days.

This is where I am living after graduation.

i'm just saying.

“Some people, in order to discover God, read books. But there is a great book: the very appearance of created things. Look above you! Look below you! Read it. God, whom you want to discover, never wrote that book with ink. Instead He set before your eyes the things that He had made. Can you ask for a louder voice than that?”
— St. Augustine (354-430)

God is good.

God is good
all the time.

I sat for a bit today and realized how blessed I am. The Lord is so good. His blessings on my life have been so undeserved and yet, He continues to shower me with His love.

Sometimes when I really think about it, when I really think about who is choosing to be good to me, I am completely speechless and am reminded how unworthy I am. Why do I so often expect these things instead of cry out in gratitude because I am blessed at all?

Basically, the point of this post is just a reminder of what the Holy Spirit reminded me today. I have to stop taking for granted the goodness in my life because everything that is good is from the One above and the One above is the Creator of all.

It has absolutely nothing to do with us.

all the time
God is good.

letting go.

The lyrics below are some that have really been on my heart lately. It's a song by one of my favorite bands right now, Tenth Avenue North, a song called "Let it Go."

I've been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They've gone white
I'm fighting for who I wanna be
I'm just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it's hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there's nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul

Within an hour the other day, the Lord opened up two opportunities for me as far as after graduation goes. Both are great opportunities. One is definitely more logical than the other and is definitely more secure. The other is not as secure and not extremely logical. I've been torn between the two. While I know both are good choices...is one better? Anyways, I haven't made up my mind yet, but this song really states well what my heart is feeling. He says I must lose my life to find it...I really am ready to take a risk with Christ. I'm just trying to discern what His will is shaping up to be.

Like one of my earlier blogs said, I'm ready to live a life that demands dependence. I want the Lord to HAVE to come through.

I guess my prayer is that I learn to let my life go.

seriously?

ALL I DO IS PLAY.

This is my weekly schedule:

Monday: workout, class, work (sitting at the desk), basketball
Tuesday: workout, classes, walleyball
Wednesday: workout, classes, youth group, bowling
Thursday: workout, classes, watch basketball games
Friday: weekend.

i know, right?

Trust me...I'm not complaining...but I do stress out sometimes that I don't stress out.

After last semester I'm totally okay with this even though I'm sure this will change as the semester continues..

needless to say, call me if you need something to do.

far far away.

Whoa.

If someone were to have looked at me 1 year ago...or even 8 months ago and said: Are you willing to move across the country after graduation? I would have laughed and said HECK no.

Nevertheless...
today I pushed "send' on an application for a job in Kerrville, Texas. TEXAS. FULL-TIME. While I do see the inadequacies of my resume and experience, I 100% believe that the Lord will take me to Texas if He wants me there and I am surprisingly hoping He does.

The past month has been an amazing thing to me. I have realized that my heart really is different. I have never been more than ready to take a risk with Christ. As I look to my uncertain future, I am completely resting in His faithfulness. I don't know if I will be moving south, west or east but I am so at peace with any option. He has proven to me in the past year that He loves me more than I can comprehend...and I am embracing that.

Not gonna lie though..Texas sounds incredible. Partly because it's 20 hours from here and because it's warm. More than that, however, Texas is a place that demands dependence on the only One going with me. I am ready for Him to demand that from me. It's time...I'm ready to end a chapter to open up a brand new one.

and I really want to buy cowboy boots...