A New Me.

So...I think the beginning of a revival brewing in my heart right now. It's pretty exciting and a little nerve racking but I am so ready for it...

The past several weeks have been the biggest emotional roller coaster I have ever been on. I am as broken as I've ever been. Satan has thrown everything he can at me to knock me down..and for the first time I'm beginning to see the rush you can have out of refusing to let him win. So, my boyfriend broke up with me...I'm not dependant on anyone but Christ. So, my computer crashed...it can be fixed. So, I'm not doing so hot in some of my classes...I can study harder. I can learn to be content in any and every circumstance. I've taken blow after blow these past few weeks and for the first time in my entire life, I don't feel like everything is falling apart. It's an amazing feeling...it's the beginning of a revival that has been needing to take place for too long.

Do I have bad days? Yep. Do I want to throw in the towel and crawl into bed and sleep until it all goes away? Sometimes. Do I still get up every morning? Heck yeah.

I've begun to realize that my purpose on this earth is to glorify God. If God is having me do that through pain, bring it on. I will still do my best to glorify Him in whatever circumstances He desires for me. I want to be molded and stretched for Him. So..can I complain about the past few weeks? I could if I really wanted to, my roommates would understand. Will I? Nope. I want to start yearning for times like this because it means I am being changed. I think the Devil sees a threat in me that has been non-existant until now...a threat that has the potential to be the set-apart woman that Christ desires...a threat to expand the kingdom. This excites me. I want to prevail this time. No more saying I'll get around to becoming the woman I am supposed to be; it's time to fall in love with Christ. The kind of love that is completely head-over-heels, "I'd do anything for you" kind of love.

Are there more blows heading my way? Probably.
Bring it on.

frustration.

Well, it's been awhile.

I'd like to say that I've been having the best devotional times since I last posted but I'd be lying. I'd love to tell you that I have been going deeper and asking the hard questions..but I haven't. My heart has grown resentful. I'm resenting people that hurt me and even people that are just trying to help. The past few weeks have been so hard on my heart that I think my coping mechanism has been anger and resentment to cover up my hurting and vulnerable heart.

I'm the strong one. I'm not supposed to hurt and cry. And since I haven't been able to stop the pain, I hide it. I hide the fact that I'm hurting and pretend like everything is okay. To be honest, to an extent...it works. I have been having fun, making new friends and growing deeper with old friends...but at the same time, part of my heart is still pretending. I have become very good at not thinking about things. I am now an expert at distracting my mind from wandering to painful places and can say that some days the only time I let myself hurt is if I dream about it.

Here's the problem:
Through all of these mechanisms and all of this pretending, my heart grew resentful to God for not fixing things. I want to be okay. I want to be able to look at someone and truthfully tell them that I am great! I want so badly to be okay..and while I think I am on the way, I'm not there yet. And since I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers, I've even grown to resent Him to a certain extent. My devotional life has not been great and I haven't been in constant prayer and submission. I'm frustrated with how He's handled things and am trying desperatley to take control back. The most frustrating part is that I hate the kind of Christian I am being right now. I was fine for two weeks, loving the Lord and telling him to bring on the suffering if it was helping me grow...and then all of a sudden, the suffering continues and I realize how shallow I am.

Why do I do this? I want to be consistant. I want to believe ALL of the time that this is for the best and that God IS in control.

Anyways, this is where I'm at...and I hope and pray that this week is different. This is my goal...and I plan to meet it.