frustration.

Well, it's been awhile.

I'd like to say that I've been having the best devotional times since I last posted but I'd be lying. I'd love to tell you that I have been going deeper and asking the hard questions..but I haven't. My heart has grown resentful. I'm resenting people that hurt me and even people that are just trying to help. The past few weeks have been so hard on my heart that I think my coping mechanism has been anger and resentment to cover up my hurting and vulnerable heart.

I'm the strong one. I'm not supposed to hurt and cry. And since I haven't been able to stop the pain, I hide it. I hide the fact that I'm hurting and pretend like everything is okay. To be honest, to an extent...it works. I have been having fun, making new friends and growing deeper with old friends...but at the same time, part of my heart is still pretending. I have become very good at not thinking about things. I am now an expert at distracting my mind from wandering to painful places and can say that some days the only time I let myself hurt is if I dream about it.

Here's the problem:
Through all of these mechanisms and all of this pretending, my heart grew resentful to God for not fixing things. I want to be okay. I want to be able to look at someone and truthfully tell them that I am great! I want so badly to be okay..and while I think I am on the way, I'm not there yet. And since I feel like God isn't hearing my prayers, I've even grown to resent Him to a certain extent. My devotional life has not been great and I haven't been in constant prayer and submission. I'm frustrated with how He's handled things and am trying desperatley to take control back. The most frustrating part is that I hate the kind of Christian I am being right now. I was fine for two weeks, loving the Lord and telling him to bring on the suffering if it was helping me grow...and then all of a sudden, the suffering continues and I realize how shallow I am.

Why do I do this? I want to be consistant. I want to believe ALL of the time that this is for the best and that God IS in control.

Anyways, this is where I'm at...and I hope and pray that this week is different. This is my goal...and I plan to meet it.